I nearly lost the most important thing in my life.
Up to that point, I had had what some would call a successful career and a perfect marriage. I graduated from one of the top accounting programs in the country, had worked for one of the six largest accounting firms in the world, was married to the most amazing woman, and had five wonderful children. However, I was living two separate lives.
While on the outside my life appeared almost perfect, on the inside I was being torn apart.
I had a problem with pornography.
To the outside world, I was a model husband and father. Inside, I was anything but. For ten years I had kept what had been going on completely hidden. And the struggle inside of me needed to end.
So, I confessed.
I confessed to myself—that I had a major problem that was driving a wedge between me and my wife and having a significant impact on my career.
I confessed to my wife, Christine—who was completely devastated and faced with a major decision. Should she stay in our relationship? And, if she did, would she ever be able to trust me again?
I would like to say, at that point, everything changed, but it didn’t. The next ten years would be an enormous struggle for me and for our marriage. I went into therapy and met with two separate counselors. I attended a 12-Step program designed specifically for men with my problem. I attended group study meetings. But, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t resist the urges I had to look at pornography.
Some days, I felt in control, but on one occasion I found myself on a two lane highway in Southern California thinking that with a slight turn of the steering wheel, I could relieve my wife and kids of the burden I was making them carry. And I almost turned the wheel.
Five years ago, on March 19, 2015, several things happened that would change our lives forever. It started with an experience Christine had that morning and ended with the beginnings of a soul-searching journey I have been on since that day. I would like to share the events of that day in Christine’s own words:
My morning meditation on Thursday, March 19, 2015 was interestingly unique.
When I meditate, I imagine myself in a beautiful garden where I sit and talk with my Savior. On most occasions, during these meditations, I simply feel His love enfolding me. On this occasion, He was giddy. He just genuinely seemed very excited about what was ahead of us. I had never experienced being with Him like that. It was strange.
Sometime after my meditation, a dear friend and life coach of mine, sent me a link to a video she thought would be good for me to watch. I watched it, but it didn't seem to have much of an impact on me. After watching the video, I saw a "You may also like" promo for a video of Oprah meeting with a Yogi named Michael Singer. After watching this video, I thought, "This is something Dave needs to see later this evening."
That evening, I told Dave that I wanted him to watch the video. I couldn't find my tablet, so he handed me his and I went onto YouTube to pull up the video. When I tapped in the search field, the first suggestion from the history was a search looking for adult material that Dave had recently searched. Anger welled up inside of me and I thought, "You have got to be kidding me?"
I began to question the experience of my meditation that morning, but somehow, I still felt that what I had experienced was real.
Dave still wanted to watch the video, so I showed him where to find it.
After watching Oprah’s interview with Michael Singer, it struck me that what I had just heard was an important key to overcoming this issue. He said, “Real spiritual growth happens when there is only ONE of you inside. There’s not a part that is scared, and another part that’s protecting the part that’s scared. All parts are unified, because THERE IS NO PART OF YOU THAT YOU ARE NOT WILLING TO SEE.” (you can watch that video here.)
These past five years, I have been on a journey of discovery that I would have never taken had I not experienced the previous twenty years. And what I have discovered, is what I want to share with you.
Are there two people inside of you? Does your world seem to be crashing in all around you? Do you find yourself angry and frustrated, not understanding why you can’t seem to be in control?
Believe me, I’ve been there.
Please know that you don’t have to be.
I recently read a quote from someone I admire greatly. He said,
“When we’re alone, those are times of character assessment. That’s when you think about who you really are and what really matters. It is a sobering exercise to be quiet, to be alone with yourself. The obvious question then is, ‘Do you like the company you are keeping when you are the only one in the room?’”
For many years, I didn’t.
Today, I DO.
And YOU CAN TOO!
I have developed a 6-week program that is designed to teach you the important skills that have taken me over 5 years to learn. This works! But you will need to come to the table with a few things too:
2) Willingness to ACCEPT and LOVE YOURSELF
3) COMMITMENT to do the life-changing work
I hope you will join me!